To my hurting self.

I know how worst the past few months for you. I know the feeling when you wake up one Friday in a dead end job, failing relationship, fading friendship and overwhelming family issues. And many more unpleasant things happened after that.

I can still remember how you cried that Sunday afternoon in a restaurant with your friends. The tears uncontrollably streaming down your face says it all. And it didn’t end there. I lost count of the sleepless nights you’ve had. The meals you have had missed. Believe me, you’re horrible at that time.

I know how much you have wished to wake up from that nightmare, for things to go back as before. The endless prayers for people to be in your life again. Everything about them made you feel so alive, but then again, also made you feel lifeless.

I couldn’t measure the tears you have shed for the past months, but the stains on your pillows and blanket are witnesses on how hard it is every night. To cry without a single noise until you fall asleep. Only to wake up the next day feeling heavy, facing the same demons you tried fighting the night before.

Everyday has been a battle. There are days where you thought you’re winning and steady but most of the time you’re on the losing end. Losing yourself to uncertainties, sadness and emptiness. Drowning and belittling yourself to the lies and harsh words thrown at you.

At one point, you feel worthless and just wanted to give up. The painful feelings don’t seem to stop. Everything is just unbearable that you pray so hard not to feel anything anymore. But life doesn’t work that way, and of all people, you know that very well.

I know how much you’re still hurting at this time, but let me say this to you.

It’s okay not be okay. It’s okay to feel it all. It’s okay that you get tired at times. Rest if you must.

But every time you will think of giving up again, I want you to remember how far you've gone.

From those years or rejection from the ultimate dream of being a courtside reporter? You were hurt so bad that you considered what everyone has been advising: to give up that dream. But you are stubborn. You always are. And look where you are right now. You may not be where you want to be (yet), but you know you’re closer this time.

And I’m sure you will not forget the past years. Or that evening of February 2, 2016. That fateful day that almost ruined your entire life. Betrayals after betrayals, lies after lies. You thought you can’t handle anymore. You feel like surrendering.

Honey, with everything you went through at your age, for all the lies, betrayals, frustrations, disappointments, rejections, failures and heartbreaks you’ve had, you have all the reasons to give up at any moment. You have the right to hate you’ve existed. And believe me the world will understand if you do. BUT. YOU. NEVER. DID. EVER.

You always rise up to the occasion. You know how to keep it all together no matter how chaotic it is inside. And you always find your way out. Tough times only fuels you to do greater things. And become someone that you can be proud of in the end. Because that’s who you are. A dreamer. A believer. A fighter. And you have it in you all along.

So whenever you’ll feel that situations are sucking out the best of you again, I want to tell you to please breathe and remember how far you’ve gone from the first time you wanted to raise the white flag.

Take your time darling. To hurt. To heal. To believe. To trust. To love. To feel everything. Because all your emotions are real. And you are constantly learning and growing from everything.

There may be days when you can’t get out of bed and nights that are harder than yesterday. But please stay above it. And trust that it will all get better. Trust, that in the end, the truth will come out. Trust, that the Man Up Above is fighting the battle with you..

And trust, that you will make it.

Because you always do.

Life is tough my dear, and so are you.